Lesson 3: Obey Sparlock

In the second segment of the new Jehovah's Witness cult indoctrination video for children, titled Lesson 2: Obey Jehovah, Caleb learns how awful it would feel to make God sad by playing with a toy that only Satan could love. You see, his new action figure, Sparlock the Wizard, is a magician. And you know how Jehovah feels about magic. (It is bad.) Following that guilt trip, Caleb throws Sparlock in the trash. But that Happy Meal prize is coming back for seconds.

Sparlock aims to teach Caleb’s parents a lesson about recycling by taking them into a dimension of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Caleb’s mom and dad don’t realize it yet, but they’ve just crossed over into...

That evening, Caleb’s dad came home from making a shepherding call on Sister Fiftyandnevergotlaid and poured himself an ice cold Budweiser. Then he poured another. After his third bottle he went upstairs to leer at his daughter while she slept. But he saw that Sparlock had snuggled up to her first!

Filled with righteous indignation, Caleb’s father snatched the toy up and decided to destroy the demonized creature—just as he’d done with his own Ouija board and Led Zeppelin albums years before! 

He tried squeezing Sparlock’s head in a vice, but to no avail.

He tried to cut Sparlock’s head off with a table saw.

But that didn’t work out so well either. He only dulled the blade.

Frustrated, Caleb’s dad threw Sparlock the Wizard in the trash once again—but this time he weighted the lid with concrete blocks for good measure. Chuckling to himself, he turned and flipped the light switch off, leaving Sparlock alone in the garage.

That evening, after finishing his six-pack and deleting his Internet history, Caleb’s father was ready to turn in for the night. Teetering at the top of the stairs, he didn’t notice that Sparlock had made his way out of the trash can.

Down Caleb’s dad went!

His final lesson, as the light faded in his eyes faded to black? Obedience to Sparlock is the beginning of wisdom!