[This is a parody. With exception of the use of certain names of dead entities and people, this fake news piece is entirely a work of fiction.]
Posted by Joel Gunz.
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK-- End times forecasting company Watchtower, Bible and Tract Society of New York, Pennsylvania and East Berlin (NYSE WBTS) has unveiled its MEPS 3000 New Light Generator, the first computing system specially designed to determine the "times and seasons" of Bible prophecy.
"As Jesus Christ's personal faithful and discreet slave, we feel we owe our followers, known as sheep, up-to-the-minute information regarding changes in God's own truth," says J. R. Beige, Watchtower spokesman. "As you can no no doubt tell from watching the evening news, this old system of things is a lot more complicated than even our Governing Body can understand. MEPS 3000 does all that heavy lifting for us, allowing us to 'make sure of the more important things,' namely, preaching to worldly people and randomly shunning fellow believers."
According to the Watchtower's press release, MEPS 3000 features a full array of floppy disk read/write equipment, the Watchtower Library on CD-ROM and an online subscription to both the New York Post and Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano. It can also simultaneously typeset The Watchtower into 2,117 languages, including Urdu, Semaphore and Dance of the Honeybees.
Representing state-of-the-art technology in the field of Bible prophecy interpretation, the new computing system aims to avoid the miscalculations that can result from human error. "Look, we're not admitting that mistakes were ever made," says Mr. Beige. "But from the meaning of the word 'generation' to the calculus involved in buttressing the argument that we were right about 1914, it's obvious that God's ways are definitely higher than our ways. Seriously, the word generation can mean anything you want it to mean. Look it up."
MEPS 3000 is the culmination of thousands of hours of research and development from a crack team of experts. Says Mr. Beige, "We had to move nine brothers in from the bindery alone, just to write the algorithm for Daniel 12:12." According to Mr. Beige, the team's lack of a college education -- the most educated member the group had earned an Associate's Degree in Dental Hygiene -- was no obstacle to its success. "What's more important is that they had the spiritual qualifications," he said.
The Watchtower Society will explain the computing system next year at its 2011 series of district conventions by means of a pre-recorded, full costume drama based on the story of Moses at Mt. Sinai. According to sources who remain anonymous on the grounds that everything that comes from the Society is anonymous, Moses will be voiced by some Jewish guy from Brooklyn, while former Governing Body member Dan Sydlick will return from his heavenly reward to play the role of Jehovah.
MEPS 3000 will also assist the Writing Department with other routine duties, such as developing strategies to make Jehovah's Witnesses feel guilty for not doing more in the ministry (while at the same time avoiding coming off as an actual guilt trip). The above anonymous source has also revealed that MEPS 3000's Youth 2.0 software can even compose entire articles. Using advanced Mad Lib software, it can compose a 750-word article in under 12 minutes. Its debut feature? "Young People Ask: Are Women in Prison Videos for Me?"